Grieving Before There's Grief

"What matters most is how you walk through the fire" ~ Charles Bukowski

For the past couple of weeks I've been doing some mundane task in the house like emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry or giving a sick babe medicine and I think "I need to blog. I need to write about this." A couple of times I've actually sat down to do it and gotten frustrated with myself and gotten up and walked away. The deployment is close. Very close. I can't say exactly when because apparently the Department of Defense doesn't like ship movements to be on the internet, something about creating a threat to national security? (it isn't funny, that's true) - so anyway bear with us as we are really cryptic about the depart date, just know its close. Which brings me to this blog post and why its been so hard to write.

Have you ever grieved something before it even happened? I remember when James was about to leave for boot camp and we had been married less than a year and had only ever been apart maybe a week? in our entire relationship. (Holy eight years ago.) The few days before he left for eight weeks I cried, and cried. And then I cried some more. At one point I remember him looking at me in a break of tears and said "You've gotta be out of steam right?" And I bursted into tears again. One of my friends texted me and said "This is the hardest part. I promise, once he leaves YOU WILL BE FINE." I remember thinking she was crazy and I wouldn't be fine without James. Flash forward four years and look at me! I survived! I made it through that separation and a few more lengthy ones after that one. Except this time we're staring down the barrel at nine months, and this time we have a little boy who adores his Daddy. I've entered that phase of grieving something that hasn't even happened yet and I'm feeling all these FEELINGS. FEELINGS ARE ANNOYING.

Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine. Life will go on and we'll get through this deployment and the nine months. And yea, it will go on and we will get through it - but I'm not promising to be fine. While I know Nicolas Sparks didn't write the script to our marriage, I do know that we have something special. I do know we've busted our asses to make sure the foundation we've built doesn't break. It bends and it moves and it grows and it changes and its been shaken before, but it doesn't break. He's my very best friend. He makes me laugh and he makes me think and he makes me (really) mad sometimes and when he isn't here I ache. I ache to tell him funny things that happened in my day, I ache for him to scoot closer after he thinks I've fallen asleep at night because I get too hot cuddling, and I ache to see him throwing a baseball with Mason. (Or to take the dog out when it's snowing outside.) How do you digest that you won't see the most important person in your life for nine months? I don't think you do - but I've decided to stop saying I'm going to be fine. I'm going to do it because I love him and this is just a crap part of the life we've chosen.

James is underway right now, he's been gone a month and I'm anticipating his return and dreading it at the same time. The moment of seeing his face in that sea of blue when they stream off that boat is replaying over and over in my head because I live for that. But, I know when I get my arms around him its a countdown. There's this clock hanging over our head that ticks so loudly telling us time is short. (Would you believe that Richard Marx Waiting For You just came on Pandora? I can't make this up. Welcome to my life.) Anyway - the past month has been a doozy. Mason got really sick, the heat broke, I ran over a screw, and I managed to pull off the 2015 Mosquito Joe Convention for 130 people and it went off without a hitch. I'm exhausted and the next nine months seem daunting. It was a crash course in what the next year is going to be like. Sitting in an ER room with a fevered 2 year old by myself, the waiting room at Pep Boys infuriated with a flat tire, and wanting his face in the crowd as I speak in front of all of our franchisees and celebrate the amazing year we've had at work. It just really sucks. But there are five people in my life who I couldn't live without and I hope they know how much they get me through these days. My Dad and Stepmom, my big sister and brother in law and my Mom. They come running when I need someone to stay with Mason, they send money for a massage and a babysitter when they hear exhaustion on the other end of the line (Thanks Mom and Annie, really.) they text me everyday, they listen to me vent and they get down in the trenches with me and pull me out when I need it.

Keep us in your prayers the next few weeks, it's going to be tough on us as we prepare for a lot of changes, but we're so grateful that you're reading this and thinking about us. Maybe my next blog post won't be so depressing ;) I mean, I turn 30 in a month! That's AMAZING, RIGHT?!? I told James I was still in my twenties last week and he told me my days were numbered so I'm going to use that as much as I possibly can the next month. So blog world, I'm still in my twenties. I hope this spring you will all start planning weekends up to come see me and Mason, we've got some fun stuff planned to keep us busy, but we love visitors. And the guest room is the only room in my house that is completely done so let's show it off!

If you're walking this path and you're grieving something that has happened, is about to happen or even happened twenty years ago, my advice is to be kind to yourself. Grief is tricky and it sneaks up on us - but just like our eyes, our hearts have a way of adjusting to the dark. I'm counting on it.

I'll update the blog with JH's address on the ship later so you can all send him some love while he's away.

Thanks for reading along and loving us,
The Greens xoxo