The Best Three Decisions I Ever Made...

Ladies Home Journal was having an essay contest that I was going to enter because the prize was $3,000 and well, I can write the shit out of an essay. Of course, life got the best of me and so did my toddler and the clock and before I knew it the deadline had come and gone. The topic was “What was the best decision you ever made?” The funny thing is that I couldn’t get the question out of my head. It wasn’t that I was annoyed that I forgot to enter thus missing the hugely slim chance of winning some cash, I was annoyed because I couldn’t decide what my answer was. If you know me, I’m pretty decisive so this was SUPER obnoxious. It came to me at the weirdest times, driving in the car, in the bathroom at work, taking the trash out after Mason went down at night. Why couldn’t I decide what it was???? 

You're probably thinking that you know what I'm going to say. Becoming a mother, right? Yes, that was the obvious answer. Mason is, without a doubt, the shining star in my life. He is what I am MOST proud of and if I leave this Earth tonight I know I did something good because he is here and I loved him with everything inside me. But that wasn't MY decision. I made that decision with someone else. James has a pretty big part in the awesomeness that is Mason Green. So what was MY decision? The one that defined my life?

I’ll tell ya, I finally decided it this morning as I was pulling myself out of bed 20 minutes too late wondering how pissed Mason would be if I didn’t go get him BEFORE showering. I looked up at the photos we have hanging above our bed. One is a photograph of the Eiffel Tower I took, and another is a picture of me and James on our wedding day. Then I rolled over and saw James’s sea bag lying on the floor where he dropped it last night when he came home after being gone from us for a few weeks. Then it hit me. I’ve had three defining moments in my life and I can’t choose between them. (Sorry Ladies Home Journal, who only has one?! Plus this is my blog not your essay.) 

The first one is undoubtedly the most defining moment I had had at that point. I was 21 and it was my junior year in college.  I agreed to study abroad that summer because my dear, sweet, we've been friends our whole life friend Jessica talked me into it. After a broken engagement at 20 years old and diving back into school and finding myself, I think my parents were so desperate for me to act like the 21 year old in college I should have been all

along, they said yes and there I was with a plane ticket for Europe. I remember the morning my flight was leaving my mom was there at my apartment helping me get my bags ready and I went into a huge panic attack. I started crying, and basically told my mom I couldn’t go. I couldn’t leave home for that long, I wasn’t ready, and she needed to take me home with her. She, with a very straight face, told me I was getting on the plane if she had to carry me on. All day I spent rotating between terror and sadness. But I’ll tell you something, 2 weeks later standing on top of the Eiffel Tower in complete awe of the different places life can take you (and just how amazing it is) with big tears rolling down my cheeks I was thanking God for being in that moment and knowing there was so much more than what my heart had been struggling with. Finding yourself is a beautiful thing, especially when it is on top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. (Ps it was the best summer of my life, so Jess, thanks for talking me into it…)

Flash forward to the summer of 2007, it is August and I am sitting on the beach with James. We have been pretty much inseparable for about a month and he told me he loved me the previous week. He is secretly really pissed I didn’t say it right back. But, I’m stubborn and although I knew I loved him, I wanted to do it on my own time and in my own way. But as I was sitting there I became choked with that same terror I felt that day I was flying out of Raleigh Durham International Airport. What if I got my heart broken again? What if he saw the imperfections and didn’t like them? What if this whole thing came crashing down one day? I tried for half an hour to get the words out but they wouldn’t come. I was so scared and I knew if I said it then this man and I were into a different world where somehow in my head, shit would get real. He looked at me, somehow knowing, and said “It’s ok, you don’t have to say it yet.” And in that moment, I knew. I knew I definitely loved him, and I knew I would spend my life hopefully getting to tell him that every day. He was so patient and so kind, and he was sitting on a beach telling me I could wait until I was ready. The words came out pretty easily then and it was one of the best moments of my life. Losing yourself is a beautiful thing. (Ps it has been the best six years a gal could ever ask for. James Green, thanks for loving me...and my imperfections.)

Now we’re here in 2013. I’m a full time working mom, James is active duty Navy and he’s gone all the time. The sea bag my eyes came to rest on this morning reminds me of the third best decision I've made and that was choosing to become a military spouse. I know which ones of you are shaking your heads thinking “Yeah right.” You are the ones who have heard me cry, cuss, and ache I miss him so much when he’s gone. You’re the ones who have heard me try to talk out what I’m going to do when he’s gone, I have a big meeting, and Mason is running a fever at school. You're the ones who have heard me have to turn down being at your child's birthday party, your holiday party, your wedding, or just a glass of wine on your back deck because well, we're a military family. But alas, turns out it was and continues to be a daily defining moment – and not in a negative way. James didn’t wear the uniform when we met, and we had been married two short months when he came to me with the need to talk about this huge life change. So the Navy was my decision too, not just his. We walk this journey together. And our life in the Navy has helped me discover way more things about myself than ever before. It has taken me out of every comfort zone I have ever given my, what I thought was fragile, heart. It isn’t so fragile. In fact, I have learned dear friends and family, it is the strongest muscle I have. It isn’t even a breakup or a broken heart that taught me that. Who knew actually loving someone would teach me that? And while as a Navy wife yes, James makes me so proud every single day, the fascinating thing has been how proud I’ve made myself. I thought being a full time working Mom would be the hardest thing I ever did, until I did it while James was at sea. But I do it. A lot. And I’m good at it. I’ve weathered some rough seas personally while he’s been gone, but I did it. I’ve had really amazingly wonderful moments happen where I couldn’t call him and tell him, but I did it. Finding strength in your weaknesses is a beautiful thing. (Ps seeing him in his uniform coming off that ship still makes my heart completely stop. Perks to a military marriage, the homecoming makes it all worth it.)

 So there you have it. I answered my question and hopefully made you think about yours. My favorite quote is something Mark Twain once said. "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." I'm so glad I got on that plane to Europe. I'm glad I let myself fall in love with James, and I'm glad the Navy has taken us here there and everywhere. It gave us Mason, it gave us some amazing memories, and it might have won us $3,000 if I weren't so damn busy ;)

Stay tuned for some Christmas posts, James is home for the holidays which means it really is starting to feel like Christmas now. I just couldn't get into it with him gone. But you should get excited because Mason is going to see Santa this week, so we'll have pictures of that and our Christmas in Dunn with family and of course, Christmas morning with our 16 month old. Time is flying. Below is a picture of him waiting for his Daddy yesterday on the pier.

Lots of love,
Julie xoxo